where my thoughts become pixelized...
I want to return to that feeling, that moment. It was a time where it didn’t matter if I lived or died.
I could do what I wanted without taking the opinions of everyone else into consideration.
An apathy that was desirable, considering what my life consisted of…
It was short lived but I felt the most me, the most free.
Yet, I know I may never experience that again unless I lose control, even then, I doubt the outcome would be the same.
I wasn’t in reality, I was in some other world… my head, the clouds, or wherever else you could be that just wasn’t here…
I wish it never ended, or that I could've known my future, or that I never allowed myself to stray so far from what was normal.
Now I long for that feeling, it seems that I always will.
It's a miserable way to live, to always want for what you cannot have.
When I stare out the window during a car ride, or while daydreaming at school, or just when looking up to the sky, I'm almost there again.
But it will never be the same.
I think there’s mundane reasoning for everything. There has to be a sane scientific explanation for it all, right?
Although what I’m writing has nothing to do with the science vs. religion argument; it’s about what I can only refer to as “blissful ignorance”.
I have no real convictions, and anything I claim to stand by has a nihilistic overcoat and paints this world as a meaningless bore.
Despite my unwavering opinion regarding the impossible existence of a “reason for it all”, I find myself lusting for the ability to believe there is.
Some cultish absurd thought would probably give me more joy and motivation to continue in life than I am currently capable of
-even if I knew deep down that it was a lie. I don’t think there’s an afterlife.
No Heaven, no Hell… or maybe I just hope there’s not, because if any Christian was right about these places and the presence of God, well then I know exactly where I’d go.
Though I find it difficult to believe that anything succeeding this is worse than the life I’ve lived.
I understand why people turn to the idea of a higher power, or predetermined set of beliefs… why they succumb to dogma…
It makes the uncertainty of everything much easier to bear.
I wish I had the ability to confide in something like that.